to paul signac
When I think of the obsequial pomp of the reception and the lamentable congratulations on the on the part of the two families (still in a state of civilization), not to mention the fortuitous appearancesin those chemist's jars where the antediluvian civil and religious magistrates are kept-- goodness gracious-- musn't one pity the poor wretch who is obliged, after having provided himself with the necessary documents, to repair to a locality, where, with a ferocity unequalled by the cruelest cannibals, he is married alive at a slow fire of receptions and the aforesaid funereal pomp . . . .
But at times it is not easy to take up living again, for there remain inner seizures of despair of a pretty large calibre.
My God, those anxieties-- who can live in the modern world without catching his share of them? The best consolation, if not the best remedy, is to be found in deep friendships, even though they have the disadvantage of anchoring us more firmly to life than would seem desirable in the days of our great sufferings . . . .
I have been 'in a hole' all my life, and my mental condition is not only vague now, but has always been so, not that whatever is done for me, I cannot think things out so as to balance my life. Where I have to follow, as here in the hospital, I feel at peace . . . .
I throw myself fully into my work again, very good, but I shall always be cracked.